While we were getting ramped up for a hard core day of brain busting, we had the following conversation (we being me one and one other dude).
We were talking about the Seattle Mayoral race, and he told me that McGinn had lost. I expressed neither regret nor glee, as I had not gotten around to voting anyway, as I am an apathetic loser who cares as much about local politics as he believes he can do anything about it. I know, I am the malaise in the great Tuna Fish Sandwich of American Indifference, which always comes with a Side of You Get What You Deserve fries and a large Evil Politicians soft drink. Refills free.
But nevermind that. This post is not about my terrible attitudes. Its about this conversation. I said that McGinn was a hippie ‘cause he used to ride his bike to all those press conferences when he was trying to get elected the first time. My fellow interlocutor asked why I had a problem with hippies. I said I didn’t, nor hipsters. Then we got onto the topic of what, exactly defines a hipster.
The subject of thrift stores came up.
This fellow told me how you could go to Goodwill Outlet Stores and buy stuff by the pound. 35 cents a pound for stuff that wouldn’t sell in the regular Goodwill stores. So, he said, you could go buy a bunch of shirts, then donate them back to Goodwill and itemize the donation on your taxes for a big write-off.
I said, why go through the hassle. Just give them the money, and let them keep what you would have taken. That’s like donating the shirts right there. Give Goodwill seven dollars for twenty pounds of shirts. If a shirt weighs, maybe, a third of a pound, that’s 60 shirts, itemized to be worth ten dollars each, equals 600 dollars. If ‘re paying 20% in taxes, that’s 120 dollars back in your pocket, and minus the seven that’s 113 dollars.
By the way, instead of driving to Goodwill, getting the shirts, driving home, itemizing them, driving back to donate, then driving home again, which puts wear on the infrastructures our taxes pay for, the above only requires two trips. Or, why not just donate directly to Goodwill online, via PayPal or something? Now the infrastructure receives no wear and tear.
So every American should do this. Goodwill makes 4 billion per year, and if every single one of the 313 million Americans donated seven bucks, that’s 2.2 billion right there. Now Goodwill has six billion, and the IRS owes us 188 billion. Which we then donate back to Goodwill the next year, and the IRS owes us even more.
Soon Goodwill has all the money and the government has nothing. Goodwill runs the country! Then we start donating to the Salvation Army using this same plan! And then they run the country, so we go back to Goodwill! Or Value Village! Or the DAV!
The military is now dressed in flannel and 70’s jeans with flares. The military is totally hipster. Macklemore becomes Ambassador to Everywhere. Those people who stand outside grocery stores ringing bells every Christmas are being talked about in People and Us Weekly. Papparazzi start chasing them. New athletes emerge who are better at handling partially deflated basketballs and splintery baseball bats and dented golf clubs. Schools start teaching only from donated Stephen King novels and John Grisham novels.
Its an utter utopia. Its perfection. Its the kind of thing God can’t stand, so he sends in zombies. The end.
That’s what we talked about at work today.
